Abe's good friend, Jonny Batman. |
Oh, I know I have no real superhuman powers, no ability to
fly or inordinate amount of physical strength, but I find that I want to rescue
people just the same. This has been true since I was quite young when my dad
lovingly coined me, “Kendra: Defender of the weak.” I’ve always been someone
who likes to fight for the underdog, meet a need, or jump on board a cause. And
these are not bad things, in fact, they can be very good things.
The problem for me lies not in helping others, but in the
way my identity can become wrapped up in what I am doing and my own desire to
be a hero. This became apparent again to me just the other week. Kyle and I
have fostered children for five years now, so when a call came a few weeks ago
for three boys needing care we decided to say yes, just as we have so many
times before. But this time was different: Donnie had just lost his biological
mom, our oldest child Mandy was moving back in, and I had found out just weeks
before that I was pregnant (surprise!) and was really not feeling very well. At
all. In fact, I have felt nauseous and exhausted all day, every day, with
little relief.
Now for someone who normally loves to just push through,
overcome, and do the hard thing: I found myself hitting a wall. One I could find
no way around. And as I laid in bed one night, crying and unable to sleep, my
husband looked at me and said, “I’m calling the social worker back tomorrow. We
can’t keep these kids; it’s too much right now.” And as he spoke I found myself
laden with guilt mixed with relief.
Over the next week as we continued to care for the boys while
the social worker looked for another placement I found myself upset, angry for
not being able to push through it all. Why
can’t I just do it? These boys need a good Christian home. They’ve been through
so much already; I’m just adding to their trauma. On and on my thoughts
would berate me.
And then one day I texted my good friend Julie, needing to
be honest with someone about what was happening, explaining everything that I
was thinking, how I was feeling, and how I just couldn’t do it. And then I ended
by simply stating “I feel like such a failure.”
And here was my friend's reply: “Failure? No. That is a lie
from the pit of hell. Let's identify it right now. It is wise… Some children are
placed with you physically. Some children are placed in your heart so that we
can pray for them. Last I checked, God was in control. Let him be their
rescuer. Sounds to me like you are the prayer warrior on this one while someone
else serves as the hands of Christ.”
I reread her words throughout the week. Rather than being
condemning, they were a healing salve to my soul. A reminder that I am not a
superhero sent to rescue others.
And a little bit of the weight lifted.
Psalm 68:20 states, “Our God is a God who
saves;
from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death.”
from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death.”
What a comfort to know that our God saves,
not me. Sure, at times I can be the hands and feet of Jesus, doing for others,
but ultimately I rescue no one. He does.
And as I said goodbye to those three
precious boys last week, hugged them and waved, I entrusted them and
their care to the only one who can truly save, protect, and restore their lives:
Jesus.
Lord
Jesus,
I pray for any person reading these words today who has felt the weight of caring for others. May they realize today what is the work for them to do and then surrender the rest of it to you. May we realize that we are not responsible to hold on to our loved ones, we are not responsible for their choices, we may simply be called to pray. Lord, may we have the courage today to leave them in your care, trusting that you are great enough, strong enough, to hold them and to ultimately save them. And thanks for holding us too. In Jesus Name, Amen.
I pray for any person reading these words today who has felt the weight of caring for others. May they realize today what is the work for them to do and then surrender the rest of it to you. May we realize that we are not responsible to hold on to our loved ones, we are not responsible for their choices, we may simply be called to pray. Lord, may we have the courage today to leave them in your care, trusting that you are great enough, strong enough, to hold them and to ultimately save them. And thanks for holding us too. In Jesus Name, Amen.
1st of all, CONGRATS on the news of your pregnancy, that is so exciting!!! Secondly, thank you so much for your message. I was just thinking this very morning how I am the prayer warrior for my little ones, that I had such a hard time letting go of, and that is where my place is for them. Thank you for your message Kendra, it really hit home to me.
ReplyDeleteThanks Beth! I love your heart friend, and believe God has you praying for those kiddos for a reason!
DeleteI'm just catching up on my blog reading this morning. SO excited to hear that you are pregnant. Praying that you'll feel better soon. Great blog!
ReplyDeleteThanks Nancy! I am starting to feel better!
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