July 10, 2013

"I'm mad at you."

I whisper the words into the night, the stillness broken only by the clicking and whirring of the fan above us, the four words echoing like gunshots in the darkened room.

And I think it, but don't say it: I'm having a hard time forgiving you.

The ubiquitous you being my husband, whose innocent comment about a past relationship triggered a maelstrom of emotions in me. When the revelation came, we were entertaining guests, in the midst of a movie. I watched the rest of the movie blindly, smiled woodenly as our young guests left the house, hands and feet moving to a well-worn rhythm as I got ready for bed, climbed in, turned off the light, returned texts, and then dropped my verbal bomb. Honestly, it was a train wreck he didn't even see coming.

And as I lay there and we talk, and he explains and I listen, and I struggle to say exactly what I mean and he responds with a patience and kindness I'm not sure I deserve -- tears streak down into my pillow, and I feel sick with the heartache. The hurt he caused wasn't intentional, but it was still there. And it hit me hard because just when I think that I'm ok, that I'm secure in who I am, something happens to trip me up. And it's a double hurt because it makes me wonder if I'm enough.

The love of my life - definitely MY chosen one
And finally he sighs, reaches over and laces my fingers through his. And he speaks the words that I desperately needed to hear, but didn't know until he said them aloud: "You're my wife. I chose you."

And the words hit me, deep inside where insecurity rests, where hopes and dreams live.

And I think about how it's always a choice. A choice to love others, a choice to live our life the way we do, a choice to make the decisions that alter the course of that life.

And I understand why the church is called the bride of Christ. Because inherent in that marriage relationship is the terror and the insecurity of being enough, and the hopes and dreams of life together and love eternal. And even as the peace of my husband's words seeps deep into the corners of my heart, I feel the truth of Christ's echo in my heart, as well.

Deep inside, I hear my Savior's whisper:  
- I knew you before you were born. (Jer. 1:5) 
- I chose you. (1 Peter 2:9, John 15:16) 
- And you are enough. (Eph. 1:3-4).

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8


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