A Heart Exposed.

This morning I’m disgruntled. And although it's raining and there’s the possibility of snow again this week, in the middle of April, I know that isn’t it. This past weekend I went to a women’s conference and it was amazing. I got to spend time with so many wonderful women, met a lot of new friends, learned and laughed a lot while listening to some engaging, insightful speakers. It was wonderful. And tiring.

Saturday night I got home, had a quiet dinner with my husband, and curled up in bed at 7:30 p.m. I slept well, but still felt tired on Sunday.  The height of my wonderful weekend dropped me straight into a pit of frustration and a general feeling of down-in-the-dumps on this Monday morning, where I find myself writing in my journal: Frustration and weariness. Seems like they go hand in hand. Why do I feel so frustrated today?

And as I continued to pray, God began to show me a vulnerability in my heart, something I’ve dealt with for years, that got rubbed this weekend. You see, part of my responsibility this weekend was to collect clothing for a single moms retreat that I’ll be helping with the end of May. Last year, they collected a lot at this conference and so I was prepared to do the same this year. I had lined up friends with vehicles to carry boxes, and even enlisted the help of my husband to come down on Saturday with his work van to bring back an extra load. I was prepared. Ready. Excited for what would happen.

Friday night came and went with just two bags. I thought: That’s okay. I’m sure we’ll get plenty tomorrow. And then Saturday came and went…with less than the first day, just a couple small bags, enough to fill three boxes full between the two days. And although this is not a post imploring people to give items to the single moms retreat - I have many women who are planning to collect things through their churches, social and work groups, and I know many are willing to help - it hit a chord deep in my heart.

It's the little voice that says: You’re not good enough. You can’t do a good enough job. And there are times I wonder and wait for someone in charge to come out and say to me: “Thanks for trying, Kendra, we know you did your best, but we’ve found so and so who’s much more qualified, much more talented, much more able to handle this for us.” And off I retreat to this place in my heart that quietly whispers: You don’t measure up.

I have known this about myself for a while now, maybe forever. I have dealt with the untruth of this lie before. And I have believed what God has said about me, the truth of who I am. But this perfect storm of weariness, both body and soul, created a place for these thoughts and feelings to rise again.

So today, I must go back to what I know (and thought I had already learned):

I am loved. Romans 8:32-38 "And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us."

I am wanted. Ephesians 1:4-6 "Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son."

I am called. Isaiah 43:1 “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine.”

I am equipped. Philipians 4:13 "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."

And I know I’m not alone. I know there are others who have experienced the low valleys, fighting against thoughts and words that were meant to defeat you—but today’s reminder to me, and to all of us—is to allow the truth of God’s word be our guide, our strength, our shield against that which would mean to defeat us.

Romans 5:1-2 says that by entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

Abram on Madeline Island standing out in God's wide open space!