This morning I’m disgruntled. And although it's raining and
there’s the possibility of snow again this week, in the middle of April, I know
that isn’t it. This past weekend I went to a women’s conference and it was
amazing. I got to spend time with so many wonderful women, met a lot of new
friends, learned and laughed a lot while listening to some engaging, insightful
speakers. It was wonderful. And tiring.
Saturday night I got home, had a quiet dinner with my
husband, and curled up in bed at 7:30 p.m. I slept well, but still felt tired on
Sunday. The height of my wonderful
weekend dropped me straight into a pit of frustration and a general feeling of
down-in-the-dumps on this Monday morning, where I find myself writing in my
journal: Frustration and weariness. Seems like they go hand in hand. Why do
I feel so frustrated today?
And as I continued to pray, God began to show me a
vulnerability in my heart, something I’ve dealt with for years, that got rubbed
this weekend. You see, part of my responsibility this weekend was to collect
clothing for a single moms retreat that I’ll be helping with the end of May.
Last year, they collected a lot at this conference and so I was prepared to do
the same this year. I had lined up friends with vehicles to carry boxes, and
even enlisted the help of my husband to come down on Saturday with his work
van to bring back an extra load. I was prepared. Ready. Excited for what would
happen.
Friday night came and went with just two bags. I thought: That’s
okay. I’m sure we’ll get plenty tomorrow. And then Saturday came and
went…with less than the first day, just a couple small bags, enough to fill
three boxes full between the two days. And although this is not a post
imploring people to give items to the single moms retreat - I have many women
who are planning to collect things through their churches, social and work
groups, and I know many are willing to help - it hit a chord deep in my heart.
It's the little voice that says: You’re not good enough. You
can’t do a good enough job. And there are times I wonder and wait for
someone in charge to come out and say to me: “Thanks for trying, Kendra, we know
you did your best, but we’ve found so and so who’s much more qualified, much
more talented, much more able to handle this for us.” And off I retreat to this
place in my heart that quietly whispers: You don’t measure up.
I have known this about myself for a while now, maybe
forever. I have dealt with the untruth of this lie before. And I have believed
what God has said about me, the truth of who I am. But this perfect storm of
weariness, both body and soul, created a place for these thoughts and feelings
to rise again.
So today, I must go back to what I know (and thought I had
already learned):
I am loved. Romans 8:32-38 "And who would dare
tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to
point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in
the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone
is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There
is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not
homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins
listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We’re
sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus
loves us."
I am wanted. Ephesians 1:4-6 "Long, long ago he
decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he
took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his
lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son."
I am called. Isaiah 43:1 “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine.”
I am equipped. Philipians
4:13 "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."
And I know I’m not alone. I know there are others who have
experienced the low valleys, fighting against thoughts and words that were
meant to defeat you—but today’s reminder to me, and to all of us—is to allow
the truth of God’s word be our guide, our strength, our shield against that
which would mean to defeat us.
Romans 5:1-2 says that by entering through faith into what God
has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we
have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all:
We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has
already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always
hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory,
standing tall and shouting our praise.
Great Post! It seems that no matter how we succeed in other areas of our lives, we will always find a place to feel unsuccessful. Praise God that we have Truth to get us out of those places!
ReplyDeleteWow, I do believe Satan whispered those exact same words to me at the conference, "You don’t measure up." He was busy spreading lies, wasn't he? Thanks for your encouraging words.
ReplyDeleteEsther, I don't know what I'd do without the Word.
ReplyDeleteNancy, I shouldn't be surprised, but wow. I hate the enemy. But am so glad we can bring to light his lies and the truth of God's word.
Love you my dear friends!